The Spy Who Loved Me - opening scene

The picture round at the pub quiz on Monday was James Bond themed. You had to guess the pictures of the Bond villains and the films they were in. We got most of the films right but struggled with the names of the bad guys (anyone else really bad with character names in films? - I certainly am). That got me thinking about Bond films, which got me thinking about my favourite scene from the series.



I got into Bond films while at university and found them an excellent revision aid; you know, something to stick on the TV that's familiar and not-too-distracting while you work. The Bond series is an odd franchise, ranging from superb action to genuinely bad self-parody and stupidity. 'From Russia with Love' and 'You only live twice' are great action adventures, 'Octopussy' and 'The World is not Enough' are properly silly.

'Casino Royale' is a fantastic film, but it is more of a re-invention of the franchise than a continuation. Gone were the quips and the raised eyebrows, suddenly Bond was an alcoholic psychopath - a much more interesting character, but hardly part of the Bond tradition. As such, I often exclude the recent Daniel Craig films when thinking about the Bond series - and my favourite Bond film remains 'You Only Live Twice'. Best scene? Well, it has to be the opening to 'The Spy Who Loved Me'. People will rightly point out that it has bad blue screen special effects and stars the hammiest actor to grace the silver screen, but it's a scene that embodies a lot of what the Bond series is about, silly stunts, Bond shagging his way through the cold war, useless henchmen and above all a misguided sense of British patriotism. Also there the fact that the stunt performed at the end of this clip was real and not CGI - a stunt man actually skis off a cliff. He also nearly dies when his ski collides with his parachute. You don't get stunts like that these days, the health and safety police would go mental! Literally.

Weird Film Night - Super Cub

A bunch of my mates who are in a band have started having 'weird film nights'. The first weird film night involved the literally abysmal Convoy - which I gave up on after about 45 minutes of watching Red-neck truckers burn up the US highways. Last night's was Super Cub, an unknown Japanese movie about an ace biker who loses his license and has to take a job delivering noodles while trying to save his best mate from a cartel of European / Chinese(?) bike thieves.

There's a very good reason why this film is generally unknown, long may it remain so. I stuck it out till the end as it was only 80 minutes and I wanted to hang around near the TV so that I could watch the Champion's League Semi Final when it came on. Apparently it's meant to be a spoof on the 'Fast and Furious' series. No, it's just rubbish. The entertainment was provided almost entirely by laughing at the subtitles; a gang member tells his mate to "Buffle[sic]" the police at one point.

Next time there's a weird film night in my house I'm picking it. 'Weird Film' does not have to imply 'Shit Film'...

The Infidel

I was a little bit disappointed by this new British comedy film written by David Baddiel. I was hoping for more, but when I think about the film's premise I wonder why I ever thought it could be more than it turned out to be.

The premise is thus: a Muslim man discovers that he is adopted and that his birth parents are Jewish. Queue up plenty of opportunities for gags about bagels, bar mitzvahs, Tottenham Hotspur and how to shrug properly. It's funny in places but loses out as it feels even more contrived than the premise suggests - if that's even possible. The plot revolves around Omid Djalili's son and his efforts to charm a girl who's new step father happens to be a wahabi nutcase. Djalili's character now has to prove how good a Muslim he is (such as reading the Koran and accidentally burning an Israeli-themed skull cap) while at the same time trying to find his Jewish roots.

I was going with it despite the contrivances until the final scene, in which the wahabi nutter is revealed to be something completely ridiculous and our hero is able to win the day. I was even going to overlook the pretty dire acting of Amit Shah, who plays Djalili's son, but that ending has made me feel somewhat ungenerous.

One big plus point was the casting of Richard Schiff (off the West Wing) as the Jewish cabbie who has to teach us about what it means to be Jewish. I guess Baddiel was trying to write a film that was part comedy and part heart-warming tale about two cultures that aren't really that different. In the end I think he's laid the schmaltz on a little too thick and hasn't really had enough of a go at the extremists on either side. I'm now looking forward to 'Four Lions' to really stick it to the jihadist weirdos.

Saw III - I give up

Having watched the second of the Saw films on a recommendation I decided to check the next one out. I didn't really enjoy the second one, but I thought it would be nice to be able to complete the set. No longer though. I have now given up on the Saw films after watching Saw III last night.

Saw III opens with a scene of a man trapped in an underground bathroom; he has to smash his ankle off in order to try to escape. Then we get a man in a room connected to lots of chains, he has to pull the chains out of his skin in order to escape. This is all sick, but not nearly as sick as the fact that none of these events seem to ever have any connection with the 'plot' of the film. In fact the whole of Saw III is one long excuse for people to come up with ridiculous ways of murdering extras using medieval torture devices.

None of this makes any sense. The logistics of setting all these traps up without anyone finding out about it is mind-boggling; none of it can possibly be based in reality. If there was any sense left in this series then was finally all lost in the scene half way through Saw III in which someone performs brain surgery - which we see in grisly detail. This is not one of Jigsaw's many traps, nor is it torture, nor does it turn out to have any important impact on the plot. It's just brain surgery, which we get to see 5 minutes of purely because it's nasty and will make people heave up in a cinema.

I have no problem with disturbing imagery in film, but while the original contained that too, it also contained a story. Saw was an original thriller with a great twist as well as being visually horrible. These spin-offs have turned out to be nothing of the sort, and I will not be watching any more of them.

Kick Ass kicks ass (apologies)

It has been bloody ages, but I went to the cinema on Wednesday. Has some kind of mass insanity happened since I last went? The queues at the Reading Showcase were literally out of the door, and almost no-one was watching Kick Ass! As far as I could tell it was the tickets for 'Clash of the Titans' that were selling out. Not that I'm against seeing a huge great blockbuster of a film, but it is really going to be worth queuing out the door?

Once inside the mostly-empty screening of Kick Ass the cinema experience got even weirder. A couple of people behind me decided to take it upon themselves to demonstrate that they have no ability to understand fiction. Every time anything happened on screen that was even slightly out of left field one of them took it upon themselves to explain the recent plot development to the other. Then when some of the characters got into danger, one of them decided to opine that "ooh, I hope he doesn't die". This is what happens when people who never go to the cinema get hold of an Orange phone contract.

Odd as the people in the cinema were, a part-filled screening of an adaptation of a cult comic book was always going to be more fun than a child-filled screening of a CGI-laden, pointlessly-3D, remake of a classic. And so it was. Kick Ass is the story of a nerdy guy (special skill - being invisible to girls) who decides that the world needs a superhero, so he dresses up in a silly outfit and goes out to take on some criminals. He promptly gets beaten up, stabbed and run over by a car; but the legend of Kick-Ass is born and he becomes an internet phenomenon - a real life mystery super hero.

If you thought that the 15 certificate implied this was going to be less violent than many a comic book adaptation, then you're in for a shock. We get stab wounds, chopped off arms, gunshot wounds to the face, the whole 9 yards. One of the secondary characters is a 12 year old girl who has been trained by her father from birth to be some kind of ninja. When introduced, we see her father training her to take a bullet wound by shooting her in the stomach. This character has caused some controversy in the press because of the fact that she is a 12 year old girl acting in a very grown up way. We see her getting beaten up; grown men literally punch her in the face with full force. We see her murder people almost indiscriminately. Odd then that the focus of the press controversy over this character is her use of the word 'cunt' to taunt a group of drugged-up bad guys. I guess the press are happy to see a little girl kill people and be physically abused by adults, but heaven forbid she might say a rude word! For me that moment was hilarious, long live the inappropriate use of swear words!

Obviously the point of all this is that none of it is meant to be taken seriously. The girl - 'Hit Girl' - is meant to be a joke, as are the behaviour and mannerisms of her protective-yet-psychotic father - 'Big Daddy'. If anything you might read more into the awarding of a 15 certificate than into the content of the film iself. 'Kick Ass' is funny, silly and has plenty of entertaining stunts and effects. There's a comic book style to everything in it that I enjoyed, the outfits and make up are garish and bits of the back story are told in a cartoon style similar to a memorable scene 'Kill Bill'. There was nothing not to like.

The Prisoner remake

I don’t know if anyone’s seen this, but a trailer for the US remake of ‘The Prisoner’ on ITV last night (I was watching ITV for the football by the way) has got me annoyed. I can think of very few times in which a remake was better or even comparable to the original. Off the top of my head I’ve come up with Battlestar Gallactica – and the original was rubbish anyway.

This new one might have Ian McKellen in it, but it’s not needed. I can’t imagine how this will get anywhere near to capturing the psychedelic spy-ridden angst of the 1960s original. They could try to focus on the fact that number 6 was being held against his will and without trial after resigning his post as a kind of modern parable about Guantanamo and state v individual freedom of choice etc – but the things that made the Prisoner memorable (the big white balloon, the pastel shades, the psychotic dream sequences) will end up looking hokey in the modern era. If they leave those elements out then why call this series ‘The Prisoner’ at all?

Silly people trying to hang on to the coat tails of a classic to make a bit of money. They’d better not mess with the opening titles either, great music.