The Tourist - slow, dull and stupid

Proof finally that Holywood thinks all it needs to make a good film is 2 A-list stars, 'The Tourist' could have been a passable 30 minute episode of Columbo if it were made for television. The premise is thus, a man named Alexander Pierce is wanted by Interpol. They apparently have no photos of him and have no idea what he looks like (as if). So he could be literally anyone. LITERALLY ANYONE! I'm not even going to give this film the honour of not spoiling it, so in this review I'm going to give away who Alexander Pierce is. Stop reading if you really don't want to know, but believe me your life will be better off this way.

Angelina Jolie is Pierce's lover, she meets Johnny Depp on a train with the intention of convincing Interpol that he is in fact Pierce. So obviously either Jolie or Depp is Pierce. For a time in the film I was sure that Jolie would turn out to be Pierce, having cleverly disguised himself as his former lover. But then there was quite a lot of sexual tension between the leads and - this being a mainstream Holywood film - it seemed unlikely the big reveal would be that Johnny Depp had been lusting over a guy all film. So was it going to turn out that Depp is Pierce then? Surely not, cos that would make no sense for a huge number of reasons - most of which I was able to come up during the film given the time afforded to me by its never-ending laboured and unnecessary dialogue.

An outline of some of these reasons follow. Since Pierce is on the run from the cops for tax evasion it would make no sense for Depp's character to deliberately get them on his trail by luring Jolie into his life with the police on her tail. If Jolie is really as madly in love with Pierce as she claims surely she would have realised Depp was Pierce at any of the numerous intimate moments the spend together? Indeed, to reveal Depp as Pierce would make the whole plot stupid, and its resolutions a ridiculous sham of a twist that fails to stand up to a millisecond of thought.

Johnny Depp turns out to be Pierce. Not only does this not make sense for the reasons stated, but before running off into the sunset with Jolie he kindly leaves the cops a cheque for the money they're after him for! Which kinds of negates the point of him running away in the first place doesn't it?

One wonders why actors like Depp and Jolie - who are very good and deserve their status on the A-list - take roles like this. Surely they don't need the money and surely they're rolling in offers to star in all kinds of better things all the time. Even the inclusion of Paul Bettany as the halfway Keystone cops interpol guy doesn't raise the standard, the plot is simply too bland and nonsensical, the film is simply without any style or direction. A disappointing way to kick off 2011 at the cinema.